Looking For a new therapist

3-minute read

People stop me on the street and at the grocery store and ask “Kenneth, what should I consider when finding a new therapist. Well, maybe not on the street and at the grocery store. 😂 

It is a very valid question as we seek someone who we are going to tell all of our secrets to and get sound mental health guidance from. There are many considerations of finding a good therapist, but I will talk about just a few. Of course, you will need to figure out which qualities are important to you.

One of the qualities that is probably the highest priority is the style of the therapist.

Some therapists (such as myself) are quite directive and interactive. My sessions with the people that I see involve lively back and forth conversation, time for reflection and thought, as well as “homework” assignments and reading to supplement the therapy session. Some therapists would say that that is too much and choose to take a more laid back style that allows the client to lay on the proverbial couch and find their way with little prompting. Many therapists work from a variety of therapy styles and theoretical orientations. This informs the way that they practice their art that is backed up by science. If you’ve never been to therapy before, you may not know what you prefer. DO NOT be shy about asking your potential therapist what their style is and ask them to explain it to you. If you are a bit more experienced in your therapy journey, you may know what works for you. I always ask people in my initial consultations if they have been in therapy before and what they liked or disliked about their previous therapist to see if we are a match.

Along those same lines, ask about your potential therapist’s theoretical orientation.

I promise they will know what this means. What it refers to is what they might most closely adhere to as a theoretical stance on mental health treatment. You’ll find that some therapists feel strongly about their approach and might be rigid in that. That’s quite alright, but you would need to make sure that works for you. In my experience, I have found that having multiple orientations allows me to meet clients where they are in their journey. At times I will go into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as it works to reduce acute symptoms in a relatively short period of time to Person Centered, Motivational Interviewing, or Narrative Therapy to help folks start to create a new “story” for themselves. Do a quick online search so you can learn what some of the various types of therapy are out there. Now, don’t go and make a search for one of these types exclusionary as you may not know what will work for you.

Regarding your checklist of requirements or non-negotiables: check those.

You might be overdoing it or requiring who you THINK you need in order to reach your goals. Anecdotally, what has been found is that people who are in the process of going through identity processing have the most need to be with a therapist that identifies with that part of their identity. For example, if you are seeking to have some guidance around the coming out process, it might be better to have an LGBTQ+ therapist. If you are a Black cis gender female client who is trying to understand intersectionality of race, gender, and the workplace it might be good to have a therapist that matches that identity. As a personal example, I am a gay black male that has a white female therapist (yes I have a therapist too). We couldn’t be more different, but work quite well together as we navigate the ups and downs of life.

Sometimes what we assume is that someone of a similar identity will know our experience.

As a therapist, I sometimes think the same thing when I see a client that is just like me in many ways. I will assume that they have had a southern, religious upbringing and assume things about their identity development or growing up experience. Sure enough, I have learned time and time again that this may not necessarily be true. The same is true for clients. At times though, I believe that we need to challenge our assumptions about people as we pick someone to be a therapist. 

Well, after all of that, it is normal to wonder before or after a few sessions that you may have made a “wrong” choice. While it's very anxiety provoking to imagine the thought, it is quite normal to have cold feet before your first session or feel shy after a few sessions to tell your therapist that you just aren’t feeling them or their style. I will cover this in more detail in a different blog post, but all of that is normal. Do yourself a favor and mention this to your therapist. We’re very well equipped to handle feedback and especially from someone that we see early on in sessions. Be prepared though to talk about what you don’t connect with. I would caution against ghosting your therapist. Remember one of the goals in therapy is to challenge old patterns, behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs.

So there you have it. A quick rundown of what I find to be most important when seeking a new therapist. Reach out to me at kenneth@thegoodtherapist.co if you have any further questions or want to talk it through.